Now I’m
scared
It has been a whirlwind of a day with it initially starting with the good news that I was finally allowed to
check out of the hospital in which I was recovering from my retroperitoneal
lymph node dissection operation (fancy name). It was a pretty big operation as I had complications with the big vein, the vena cava, which brings back all the blood to your heart. They took
out 15 lymph nodes, the vena cava vein and of course the tumour itself. To put it all back together, 50
staples were stamped vertically across my stomach. I was of course asleep for all of it, and didn't feel much pain initially as I was given the finest opium straight from the fields of Afghanistan. When I was taken off it, the pain was pretty intense and I was immobile for quite some time. The most difficult part was my
diet being restricted to just soup and jelly, which has resulted in me feeling very
weak, constant state of nausea and of course hungry. Unfortunately that is the ‘good’ news.
Just after I was told I could go home, I was informed by the
surgeon that there was still cancer present in the tumour they had taken out.
My blood results also showed an increase in my tumour markers. Suddenly the
world came crashing down around me. A phone call from my doctor confirmed that
further treatment/chemo would be required. She is to consult with experts in
Melbourne and America about the right course of chemo as it is rare that
further chemo would be needed at this stage and is crucial the correct choice
is made. It is likely a high dose of chemo along with stem cell transplant will
be the path taken.
I had become too ‘positive’ in the sense that over the past
few weeks it never crossed my mind that I was going to need further treatment.
I had started to live normal again, was feeling healthy, regaining my strength,
eating uncontrollably. I was sure the operation was the last hurdle I needed to
overcome. It was quite a shock. I was and am still upset. I have rarely cried
over the past 5 months, but today the taps flowed. The likelihood of me being
cured of cancer was previously 90%, but today that dropped to 55%. Imagine
being told there is only a 50/50 chance of being cured. You would never want to
wake up. That’s enough with statistics, as they serve no good but I’d be
fooling myself in thinking that the cards I have been dealt with are anything
but good.
My mind as you would expect has been all over the place
since my ‘new’ diagnosis this morning. Again I went searching for why why why
was this happening to me. Was it eating habits? Karma? Or simply that nature
has decided my time is up. Forgive me for saying this as it quite gloomy of me
but I can’t help but think that all I am doing is buying time and postponing
the inevitable. I’m not being silly thinking like that, as I believe anyone in
my circumstance would. But if I am just buying time, then I intend to buy fifty
years. I am feeling quite angry. Angry that the bastard that cancer is has refused
to go away quietly. It tricked me into thinking I was defeating it, laying
dormant only for it to raise its head just as I was finally coming out of the
tunnel. Angry that this is not only disrupting my life, but those that are
close to me. My Mum, Dad, Alice, Holly, Liam and Shaun. It’s not been fair that
they have been dragged into this.
My body has again gone into ‘survival’ mode. The crying will
stop as I become emotionally sterile and my minds only focus is to become
healthy again. I’ll no longer be able to dream about the future as it is
extremely difficult to do so when one’s ‘fate’ is not certain. My body is quite
weak and under nourished at the moment because of the operation, and it will be
a while yet before chemo can commence as the body will need to be strong to
while receiving the deadly mix of drugs given during chemo. I am scarred about
the future. During this whole ordeal, I have never previously thought of death
as I was sure that I would conquer this disease promptly. But setback after
setback and then today’s bombshell has meant that it has been at the forefront
of my mind.
I know this post is pretty negative and I guess depressing,
but right now this is how I am feeling. I can’t make any jokes because today I do
not feel like laughing. I needed to write this post today, however negative and
silly some of it might be. I needed to get it out of my head and write it down.
It will take time for my mind to digest today’s
news and I will be more positive as each day goes by, and the silly talk will
eventually subside. I have come this far and I there is much fight left in me
that hopefully this next course of treatment, whatever it may involve, will
blast away all those nasty cells for good.
